Finding the Up's Through the Down's of 2019
A lot happened in 2019. Some good, some bad.
The beginning of the year consisted of just trying to get through school with the anxiety that's been building within me continuously for the past four years.
In the spring, I got a new job in the industry that I'm determined to work in. I was working this job, being a freelancer in the same industry, and still being a full time college student. Things got a lot harder for me during this time. I already struggle immensely with school, but I was determined to balance everything. There were many times when it felt like I couldn't. This job opportunity made me feel like I was making progress, getting one step closer to my goal of working consistently in the industry. Countless breakdowns later, I somehow made it through, even with my anxiety.
I thought that once summer arrived, my stress levels would go down and that I wouldn't be as anxious and overwhelmed with everything going on. For some reason, I remained stressed and my anxiousness increased again. I was working more than I ever had, which I am so grateful for. But also moving and trying to rest from my third year of college. The summer ended and my anxiety got even worse. I began experiencing chest pains, dizziness, and pains in my arms. I grew to be extremely concerned for my health. I went to the doctor and told her about all my symptoms. She ran tests for every possible thing that could lead to my physical pains. It turns out that my pains were caused by stress and my anxiety. It's worse than it's ever been and I'm still dealing with it now.
Fall semester led me to find what my priorities are and that taking care of myself should be one of them. This was also the beginning of my senior year and I started to work towards investing in my future after college. Changing my perspective to try to and do things to take care of myself now, that will also help me later on. Managing my stress levels is just one thing that I've been working on. I've started to take a step back from a stressful situation and ask myself if this is truly doing me any good. In college, there's a lot of pressure to try and be apart of everything. This can be harmful. As long as you're doing your best, learning about yourself and your interests, and growing into a better person, I would consider your college career to be a successful one. As I've thought about this for a while now, I've began to not try to overwhelm myself by trying to do too much, it doesn't do much good. In my mind, I'd rather handle what I can and do well, then push myself too hard and do poorly. Although I want to be involved, part of taking care of myself is making sure I don't get burnt out, I'm doing my best, and I'm not grinding myself into dust.
Throughout the year, I've also lost touch with a lot of people. As this year progressed, I've become more comfortable with it. The right people will stay in your life as you grow and some just don't grow at the same pace as you and that's ok. I haven't seen many of my few friends much the past year either. My anxiety was acting like a road block preventing me from seeing friends that I wanted to see. I couldn't find a way around it. I'd have really rough days or nights and have to cancel plans last minute. I felt terrible but it was for my own good. I'm trying to push myself to say yes to plans more often. I am grateful though that my real friends are so understanding and supportive, especially in the instances where I'm struggling.
My anxiety has been trying to rule over my year. It's made me feel fatigue, pain, guilt, sadness and confusion. It's a constant battle that I will be continuing with as this next decade begins. I've grown up some this year. I've been able to accept more changes and work harder than I ever have. I'm grateful that even while experiencing struggles, as we all do, I've been able to grow amidst all that. I'm not by any means close to being done growing and I'm glad. I will continue to do more to take care of myself and subside my own anxiousness as I get closer to facing true adulthood. There's so many things to look forward to in this lifetime and I don't want anxiety to stop me.
Here's to 2020 and the growth that comes with it.
- Jillian
The beginning of the year consisted of just trying to get through school with the anxiety that's been building within me continuously for the past four years.
In the spring, I got a new job in the industry that I'm determined to work in. I was working this job, being a freelancer in the same industry, and still being a full time college student. Things got a lot harder for me during this time. I already struggle immensely with school, but I was determined to balance everything. There were many times when it felt like I couldn't. This job opportunity made me feel like I was making progress, getting one step closer to my goal of working consistently in the industry. Countless breakdowns later, I somehow made it through, even with my anxiety.
I thought that once summer arrived, my stress levels would go down and that I wouldn't be as anxious and overwhelmed with everything going on. For some reason, I remained stressed and my anxiousness increased again. I was working more than I ever had, which I am so grateful for. But also moving and trying to rest from my third year of college. The summer ended and my anxiety got even worse. I began experiencing chest pains, dizziness, and pains in my arms. I grew to be extremely concerned for my health. I went to the doctor and told her about all my symptoms. She ran tests for every possible thing that could lead to my physical pains. It turns out that my pains were caused by stress and my anxiety. It's worse than it's ever been and I'm still dealing with it now.
Fall semester led me to find what my priorities are and that taking care of myself should be one of them. This was also the beginning of my senior year and I started to work towards investing in my future after college. Changing my perspective to try to and do things to take care of myself now, that will also help me later on. Managing my stress levels is just one thing that I've been working on. I've started to take a step back from a stressful situation and ask myself if this is truly doing me any good. In college, there's a lot of pressure to try and be apart of everything. This can be harmful. As long as you're doing your best, learning about yourself and your interests, and growing into a better person, I would consider your college career to be a successful one. As I've thought about this for a while now, I've began to not try to overwhelm myself by trying to do too much, it doesn't do much good. In my mind, I'd rather handle what I can and do well, then push myself too hard and do poorly. Although I want to be involved, part of taking care of myself is making sure I don't get burnt out, I'm doing my best, and I'm not grinding myself into dust.
Throughout the year, I've also lost touch with a lot of people. As this year progressed, I've become more comfortable with it. The right people will stay in your life as you grow and some just don't grow at the same pace as you and that's ok. I haven't seen many of my few friends much the past year either. My anxiety was acting like a road block preventing me from seeing friends that I wanted to see. I couldn't find a way around it. I'd have really rough days or nights and have to cancel plans last minute. I felt terrible but it was for my own good. I'm trying to push myself to say yes to plans more often. I am grateful though that my real friends are so understanding and supportive, especially in the instances where I'm struggling.
My anxiety has been trying to rule over my year. It's made me feel fatigue, pain, guilt, sadness and confusion. It's a constant battle that I will be continuing with as this next decade begins. I've grown up some this year. I've been able to accept more changes and work harder than I ever have. I'm grateful that even while experiencing struggles, as we all do, I've been able to grow amidst all that. I'm not by any means close to being done growing and I'm glad. I will continue to do more to take care of myself and subside my own anxiousness as I get closer to facing true adulthood. There's so many things to look forward to in this lifetime and I don't want anxiety to stop me.
Here's to 2020 and the growth that comes with it.
- Jillian
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