Gratitude Is Good for the Soul

You could say that I've had an epiphany. It occurred to me while I was catching up with a close friend a few weeks back. The past few months have been difficult for me. I had put myself in a situation without thinking enough about it. I admit I made a bad choice. But I still live with no regrets. It's just come to that time where I need to change my future and build from what I've learned. The decision I made was regarding a major part of my life, school. I have been experiencing depression ever since my first week there. I tried my best to give things a chance with the open mind that I like having but it was different this time. Things weren't becoming more tolerable. I very much dislike being depressed but there's not much a still seventeen year old could've done to cure herself immediately. I couldn't just quit. I had forced myself to stay. I had gotten all the way to college and I wasn't going to take a break from this next chapter no matter how much I may have needed it. I had to stay. And I didn't want to quit after one semester either. I decided to force myself to stay a whole year so I could continue my education as I tried to figure out where I was going next. This depression had sucked my personality out of me as well as my positivity. During my second week of school, a professor that I had just met, asked me if I was ok because I seemed down and off. It was clear to me that if someone I had just met could tell that I wasn't being myself, then it was no question that I had been inches away from rock bottom. Depression stayed with me and then thanksgiving break came. I had a nice talk with one of my most trusted friends and she had reminding me about a movie/book titled "the Secret". I recalled watching it back in elementary or middle school; God knows why they showed that to me back then but I remember how much I liked it and it's beliefs. When I got back from break, I watched it one night and came to the conclusion that I needed to use the secret to start climbing away from the dark trenches of rock bottom. In the film, they presented the idea of writing down whatever it is that we're grateful for as well as the things we want out of life to send good vibes out while addressing the universe. That night, I took an empty journal that I had gotten from my parents from my birthday and I began writing. Three to four pages a night filled with the things I was grateful for as well as the things that I achingly dream for in my present/near future life. I would wake up every morning after I began writing those entries in a slightly better and more content mood each day. By the time winter break came along just about a week ago, I was slowly moving away from the bad mood, yet still ready to go home. I had also minimized the minutes of the day that I spent being so down. I started getting closer to the top. Rock bottom began to slowly seem farther away, inch by inch. Nobody's perfect, we still have down days, but thanks to showing gratitude and the universe, the number of days are decreasing one by one and that is something that I am grateful for. I'm not 100% back to normal yet but I can tell that I'm going to be ok someday and this method has already done wonders to me. I am so lucky to have the life that I have, even when things get tough. Giving up is a joke to me now. It hasn't been an option for the longest time for me, even if I wish it was some days. I wrote this back in December 2016.

2017. I moved home from college. My depression actually got worse but I didn't stop writing about what I was grateful for or what I dreamed of. I pushed myself even on the days when all I wanted to do at night was go to sleep. Around March, things changed and I started to make a little progress. I kept writing. By the middle of May, I noticed more progress. Even though now I have "mild depression", I'm so hopeful for the future. I haven't been this positive and optimistic in such a long time, I had forgotten what it had felt like. This is something that I write in my journal about. I write that I'm grateful for the progress that I've made so far. I'm telling you all of this because I think that mental health is important and I just hope that maybe someone out there reading this who feels down or lost can take what they read and apply it to their experience to hopefully work towards personal growth and getting better. Unfortunately, depression is commonly found. But that means that you're not alone in the battle and that there's so many others who feel things similar to what you feel. Writing what I was grateful for has continued to help me not only grow into a stronger, more determined and optimistic person, but also helped me gather my thoughts and goals that gave me hope and excitement for the journey ahead of me, whatever that may be.

These are my first two journals where I write my daily letters to the universe

Book three here I come.

Gratitude is the rope that was thrown down to help try to save me. I'm climbing back up.
(You can too! :) )

Always here,
- Jillian